From a painful childhood to a dream come true

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2023

Dear Annie: I lived a parallel childhood with the pain of an extremely abusive mother and a father who buried his head in the sand. I did confront him years ago about why he didn’t protect me, and he was thoughtful and then emotional when he replied, “I guess she treated me that way, too, and I was afraid of centering her attention back on me. I never thought about how hard that must’ve been for you.”

It was an unexpected answer, but an honest one and the key to moving forward with my dad and letting go of the anger and resentment.

After decades of therapy, becoming a mother and then a grandmother, and through a lifetime of self-reflection, I was able to forgive my mother and mourn the childhood I wished I’d had. That part of my life never gets a do-over; I will never recount a childhood with a mother who said and acted like she loved me.

However, I decided that bitterness, regret and anger were not going to hijack any more of my life. At one point, I came to a Y in my life’s path with regards to my mom. I could cut all contact and wash my hands of her. Or I could try to meet her as the adult strangers we were. I gave myself permission to choose either or neither.

I had to put the past in the rearview mirror. All the hurt, accusations, gaslighting, toxicity, guilt, shame, regret -- all of it -- because I realized it was still hurting me and only me. Once I was able to forgive her in my heart, I was able to make that decision wisely. I never imagined forgiving her, especially not after I had children and realized it was her dysfunction, her insecurities and her untreated mental health this whole time.

Seeing her as flawed, like the rest of us, doing the best she was capable of even after the torment and trauma of her childhood, I finally realized: I’m not a bad person. She was wrong. These realizations changed my life and had the added benefit of making sobriety a reality for me as well as finally breaking and scattering the generational trauma.

I slowly approached my mom like someone I was meeting for the first time, as a potential friend or acquaintance. Through years of positive interactions and healthy boundary setting, I’m amazed to say that she’s now one of my dearest friends and confidants.

I organized a trip this recent Thanksgiving to Orlando, Florida. I rented a house on a lake with a huge outdoor swimming pool, barbecue pit and hot tub. I saved and worked extra and paid to fly my parents, my children, their partners, my grandchildren, my fiance and myself roundtrip.

My parents live in Florida; one of my daughters and her family are stationed in Nevada; my youngest adult daughter and I remain in Seattle. My folks had never met my grandchildren. First, there was comfortable distance when they moved away seven years ago. Then, after COVID and a three-year travel hiatus, I recognized that we hadn’t all been together in one space in over a decade.

It ended up being my dream trip. I got to live for one week with all the people I love the most, watching them love me and each other. There is hope, love and life on the other side. I can prove it. Signed with love. -- Second Chance Daughter

Dear Second Chance Daughter: Thank you for your powerful letter. Your hard work of therapy, forgiveness and sobriety have all made your dream possible. You did that. I hope your story inspires others who are struggling to be brave and begin the path to healing from a traumatic childhood. When you are a kid, you don’t understand why your mom is acting a certain way, and you somehow think that you did something wrong. But now that you have forgiven her, you can see that it wasn’t you at all. What a moving story!

Dear Annie: My sister, “Claire,” is getting married this summer and has lost weight by getting injections of drugs for diabetes. Claire might have had a little padding, but I never thought of her as being fat. And Claire is not the only person I know who is taking these drugs for weight loss. I know several others, and they all seem to be very happy with the results. The two brands that I keep hearing about are Ozempic and Wegovy.

Claire lost 10 pounds in the first few weeks of getting the shots, and she keeps losing weight every week. Her doctor gave her a prescription to Wegovy because her BMI was in the obese category, even though, as I say, to me she did not look obese. Now she has dropped another 40 pounds, and she is starting to look like a skeleton.

I asked my doctor about this popular new form of weight loss. Instead of talking about these drugs as weight loss aids, he told me that there is an epidemic of obesity in our country, where more than 40% of the population is statistically obese. But I did not ask him to prescribe the drugs for me, and he did not offer to do so. According to my BMI of 20, I am in the “healthy” category. I enjoy exercising three or four times a week and don’t want to be dependent on any drug.

My husband has been lifting weights for many years and has lots of muscles, which he says weigh more than fat. Yet his BMI says he is obese, and he says I should ignore the BMI as a measurement of obesity. He says body fat percentage is a much better indicator of health and fitness.

Claire is in great spirits, and I don’t want to discourage her since she feels so good about her weight loss. But the whole thing scares me -- the idea of taking diabetes injections to drop a few pounds. What is your advice? -- Without Drugs

Dear Without Drugs: I love the way you signed your letter. You are literally doing it without drugs, and we all know that is a much healthier approach to losing weight than taking regular injections of drugs designed for coping with diabetes. Your regular exercise and, I suspect, healthy eating habits are something you can enjoy every day of your life. Imagine waking up knowing that you have to give yourself an injection so you can “look healthy.” I wouldn’t want that, and I’m glad you wouldn’t either.

Dear Annie: A marriage is like a flower. If it doesn’t get its basics needs met, it eventually dies. This can take a very long time if you really loved someone, but once it is dead, there is no revival -- Water Your Plants

Dear Plants: What we put in is what we get out. For those in a relationship who think the grass is greener on the other side, it almost never is. In fact, the grass is greenest where you water it.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.